Whichever One You Were Going to Kill Next
I mean, I am alone in this house. Totally and completely alone. That’s just a fact. Until this morning, however, I didn’t feel like I was “All By Myself” if that makes any sense. I guess I started to feel a substantial absence.
I know “You Can’t Hurry Love” to quote another song, but when I woke this morning by myself in my house realizing I’d kind of outlived my usefulness to everyone… well, I mean I’ve been preparing for this for a long time, haven’t I? But it finally sunk home that I don’t have anyone who needs me anymore and I’ve got to figure out how to live just for my own sake. Besides the choosing people who need me thing isn’t a good thing to do anyway.
I’m much better prepared for this life than I’ve ever been before, and my feeling is that I will succeed. Yet sometimes I think of the children having their own lives somewhere and being able to get glasses out of the cupboards by themselves and I feel a few twinges in my heart.
I kind of want to wallow around and feel sad all day, but I’m not a person who can do that kind of thing anymore. Pain doesn’t make you special. That’s the most important thing I’ve learned in my life. There is no sin greater than to think your pain is greater or more unique than another person’s pain. Your pain doesn’t entitle you to anything.
So I’m going to go get a cat.
I am going to walk into a pound (or whatever, I haven’t decided yet) and ask for the cat that was next scheduled to be euthanized. Providing it wasn’t going to die anyway and it was a mercy killing. Then I will take that cat home and love the shit out of it, forever.
This will be my stop gap pet until I can get some horses.
It won’t make me happy forever, but it will be something to keep my mind occupied.