Jeepers! I guess it’s been a dang month since I wrote in this thing. What can I say? There’s sooo much good television down here! I found a whole bunch of British shows I’d never seen before and I could hardly tear myself away. All the fancy ones with nice dresses and accents and some guy with black hair who is mean, but sooo dreamy, and you just know he’s going to end up with the main girl. So that’s kept me busy. That, and you can never have too many naps. Still haven’t seen a kitty, but the scraps I leave out at night are always gone before I wake up.
It’s only a matter of time!
I never meant to just put this thing down and forget about it like that, but I suppose I was a bit of a mess reliving all that stuff again. Now I can talk to you all about all the good things!
I’ve got to talk about the Food Box! It’s basically the best invention EVER!!! I’ve got no idea how it works or why the Little Gentleman needs me to test it, but it’s the best! Just the absolute BEST!!!
There aren’t enough exclamation marks in the universe for the Food Box, and when the Little Gentleman asks me for my product attestation that’s exactly what I’m going to say!!!
The Food Box is a cube, because duh it’s a box! It’s about two feet on each side and it’s perfectly black. Midnight black. Black licorice black. Dark between the stars black. I tried polishing it with some napkins, because I’m always nervous it’s going to break or something, but it’s so black I can’t even see my face in it. I know it’s going to be the death of me, but I just love it! I know the Little Gentleman told me it couldn’t hurt me, but if that was true that would mean I was already in heaven anyhow.
I don’t even have to open it or close it! I just think about what I want to eat and then the Food Box opens itself and there it is! Right in arm’s reach! The best food you’ve ever tasted in your whole life and it’s still warm!!!
I saw a thing on the news once about 3-D printers and I think it must be something like that, except I can’t see any power cord or stuff going into it. It’s set on this little pedastal thing and the thickest part can’t be more than a few inches thick. Doesn’t seem like you could put anything in there big enough to do what it does, but I don’t know much about that kind of thing. Oh well, it can stay a mystery for all I care! I should know better than to question a miracle.
This morning I ate six sausage and egg omelettes, about a pound of hash browns smothered in ketchup, and a whole gallon of orange juice! And now I’m snacking on some cream-filled cinnamon dough balls. Like I said, it’s the best thing ever!!!
The Little Gentleman showed it to me when I got here, first thing.
Oh? I should explain how he did that.
Long and short of it: Forklift.
I don’t know how he got it in there, but he ran out of the room as soon as I said yes, drove back in with a tiny forklift like they have in a grocery store, threw a blanket over the top of me and drove me the heck out of there. I smelled iron when we rode through the hallway, like maybe he took me through some back way with a lot of rusty pipes, but I didn’t ask any questions. You see, when he came back with the forklift, he also brought my promised bucket of chicken and that took just about all of my attention.
The next thing I knew I was in the back of a delivery truck with a nice little space heater and oh my… just shelf upon shelf of snacks and food and a little microwave! I was finally being rescued from that awful hospital and that terrible “food” they made me eat! I must have eaten about twenty pounds of gas station snacks and five buckets of chicken by the time the Little Gentleman got me to this place.
When we finally got here, I knew it had to be some place special because it felt like all of the sudden the truck started driving straight down. I about tipped over and had to grab onto the shelves for support, but just as I was about to go behind over tea kettle, as the saying goes, the truck came level again.
Next I knew, the Little Gentleman was opening up the back of the truck. After such a terrible few weeks, the pale television light of this place that touched my body really was like heaven.
“Are you ready to see your new home?”
Boy was I!
It was all like a dream.
The first thing I noticed was the television. I’d never seen one so big in all my life! At first I thought it had to be some kind of movie projector, but nope! It covers the whole dang wall and it’s got to be about ninety feet across if it’s an inch. Not to mention it’s panoramic! It’s like I’m going to other places without ever having to move from where I’m sitting.
The Little Gentleman knelt before me like a knight and held out a remote control to me like a sword. I could barely stop my hands from shaking when I took it and hit the Home Screen button. I was overwhelmed by everything and I had to fight back tears of joy.
“What kind of channels does it have?” I asked, in awe. I know I should have said thank you and what not, but I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t think straight.
“All of them,” said the Little Gentleman, “every movie and television show ever made or that is being made or… well, I’ll leave that last as a surprise to you. Just know you’ll never get bored. And none of the shows or movies on here will ever make you feel uncomfortable.”
I took the remote control and felt a shiver run through me as I pressed it to my chest like a baby. I felt security. True security like I’d felt with Quester.
The Little Gentleman took my hand and I seemed to hover… or maybe I even walked by some strange miracle for a few steps under my own power. Golly, isn’t it strange that I think it’s more likely that I floated than I walked? Anyway, he took me to a feather mattress shaped like a bowl. A mattress perfectly fitted and molded for my body. I sat in it and felt… oh so many things. Warmth. Silk. Softness. Clouds. A nice refreshing spring breeze. Flowers tickling my toes. A feeling I hadn’t felt since I was a little girl, like diving into a summer spring and feeling my entire body enveloped in perfect clear, beautiful water.
“This is your bed, my monument. Feathers, though not from gooses. I suppose if you knew what we had to do to gather these that it would make you sad or disgusted, depending on how religious you are. So let us not speak of it! Except to say that these feathers will never get matted down. Nor will they ever give you sores. Every moment of every day you will feel like you’re floating on a cloud. You could even describe these feathers as… heavenly,” said the Little Gentleman with just the tiniest smirk I’d ever seen.
“What if…” I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t keep my jaw from quavering, but somehow I got out a tiny whisper, “what about when I have to do my necessary?”
I pointed between my legs so he’d know what I was talking about. The Little Gentleman laughed a high and shrill laugh and I felt myself turning red again, but he even though it felt like he was laughing at me I wondered how that could possibly be so when he had done me such kindness.
“Well, shall we say, this food is… different. But if you should feel the urge: just release it! These feather hate filth. The bed will clean whatever mess you make. The bed will pass it through to the sewer. From there it will go somewhere you don’t have to worry about it! But come, don’t feel sad, feel whatever it is that you think is happiness. Come see this! This is the Food Box!”
The Little Gentleman dragged the Food Box over to me on its little pedastal. It made that same screech sound that you see whenever someone drags something in a quiet place, like in all the movies. The kind of sound you never hear in real life. For some reason that made me feel afraid again. Like all of this was some kind of elaborate trick.
“Think of something! The tastiest something! The best ever food of your life!”
I could only sit there, feeling vaguely nervous.
“Come on! Close your eyes! Get in the spirit of it! What do you want most? What’s the thing you would sell your soul for? What do you want more than anything else in the entire world?”
Somehow, from the way he said it, I felt guilty. I felt like I should have said “Quester” and that if this were a fairy tale that would have made him be alive again. Except that’s not what I felt in my heart. My heart felt strong then, so I can’t even say I was weak. My heart felt strong and strange. It beat hard and I thought I might be having a heart attack but there was sweat on my upper lip and I felt goosebumps all over me. The bed felt sinful to me then, but I wallowed in that feeling. It was a dirty feeling. And with that dirty feeling like I haven’t had since I was very young and had first noticed boys I said:
“Aunt Peggy’s lasagna! Four… no eight pans of it! Enough of it that I want to throw up!”
The food box opened up and there were… eight pans of Aunt Peggy’s lasagna!!! In the same durex pans she’d always used, even down to the little stains and nicks! Tray after tray shooting forward like paper out of a printer so quick I could hardly even grab them all to set them down!
They were warm, but somehow they didn’t hurt me. They were just the right warmth, like fresh baked cookies at their best point. I stacked them up all around me, not even bothering for a fork. Just reaching down with my hand to scoop it up and shove it in my mouth and… sure enough, it tasted just like Aunt Peggy’s lasagna. Ground beef. Bits of sausage. Caramelized onions! Peas! Carrots! Garlic! Oh God, it was her! How can I explain it? It was her lasagna!
I didn’t even speak. I couldn’t speak. Why would I want to waste my mouth with words when I could be eating that lasagna like that? I knew after a while, after the frenzy had died down some, that I was stretching out my stomach too far. Even beyond my limits, except I wasn’t. I didn’t feel bad at all. I felt like I could keep eating and… well, I guess you get the point.
The Little Gentleman watched me with the happiest smile on his face.
“You are awe-full,” he said.
He disappeared for a bit and brought some other items, including this book of paper, and set them down next to me.
“You will never grow too full. You will never feel the pain of eating too much. Your body will grow strong, not weak. And you will grow. You will grow and grow and you will be a fine monument.”
He leaned close to me.
“Is there anything else you want?” he asked.
I thought for a moment.
“More,” I said.
The Food Box met my request and the Little Gentleman was gone.
Got to go.
All that remembering is making me hungry for some more of that lasagna.
You know what? I’m being a silly goose with this diary. This is the life I’ve always wanted, apart from Quester being gone. Why on Earth should I care that I feel lonely? I’ve got the television here with me and I just got to a whole bunch of shows I’ve never seen before.
It keeps saying the release date is for 2020, but I know that can’t be right because I know I haven’t been here that long. Maybe it’s one of those things where the release date is pushed back and back or something.
Anyway, I’m comfortable, I’m well fed, and I’m entertained.
All I’m doing with this diary is bringing struggle into my life, and struggle isn’t something that people need to live. No matter what my uncle Jack used to say. I think it’s time to just be me and live in the present.
Well, here I am again.
Been two months since the last time I wrote anything.
I lost the pen for a while in my belly-button, you see. Ugh, why is that making me blush. I’ve got no reason to feel ashamed! I guess I sort of let things get away from me for a while. But I won’t do that again! There’s no reason I shouldn’t be perfectly happy here. No reason at all!
I guess I probably weigh something like five thousand pounds now. I’m not sure. I was making guesses before based on how much more of the floor I was covering, but it’s hard to say. I think… I mean, I couldn’t be the size of a whale. Could I? No way. Except, I’m real real big. Real big. But, I mean, a gull dang whale? Doesn’t seem like you should be able to get to be the size of a whale without noticing.
Yet even though I know I’m beautiful, somehow I don’t feel beautiful. How is that possible?
I never ever thought in my whole life I would get bored of eating. And there isn’t hardly any reason for it. My jaw doesn’t hurt. My teeth feel fine. I feel clean. And I’m sleeping well, better than I’ve ever slept really. And the Food Box is always excellent. Always. Without Fail. Perfect.
I tried thinking up some sour grapes, the kind you get every now and again when you bite into one and it ends up being real bad but the Food Box only gave me perfect grapes instead. I think bad food might be the only kind of food that it can’t make. Why is that?
I’m just down in the dumps. It happened every so often, even back when Quester was alive to take care of me. Maybe being down in the dumps is just a part of life?
The bed keeps growing under me, and I don’t know how that can be but it’s true. I feel comfortable and supported. I feel good all over.
I guess I miss the way I’d feel when I felt bad. Like when I’d tumble over or when the bed would start giving me sores. I don’t how that can be, but it’s true. When I was with Quester, I used feel like I was drowning in myself, like I couldn’t breathe, and then I’d wake up and I’d realize I’d rolled the wrong way. Or sometimes I’d watch a movie and then I’d see a girl or a guy doing something and it’d make me feel bad about myself and I’d start wondering about my weight and my choices.
None of that ever happens here.
None of the movies I watch have any scenes like that.
Not. A. Single. One.
I’m starting to wonder, where is this place, really? I think I know where I am from what all the signs say. They says missile complex. They say ATLAS. But maybe none of that’s true. Maybe I’m really somewhere else. I can’t know for sure because there aren’t any windows here and I can’t get out.
Oh, I should mention that. I’ve hit the point of no return. Nothing I can do to get out of here.
I’m too big to leave. Not that I would, but I looked at the giant doors to this room and I realized for the first time today that I’m too big to squeeze through them. Those are big doors too. Big like you’d see in an aquarium or a factory. Even if I could walk, even if I tried my hardest I couldn’t get through those doors now.
I think… I think I might be bigger than a whale.
I guess I could try to diet but…
Who even cares what happens to me in here? I don’t.
Everyone who ever loved me or even knew my name is dead.
I need to find one of those cats. I think if I find one of those cats that it’ll all be better somehow.
And I need to nose lose this pencil again. It’s the only one I have. I just can’t believe I got so dang big I could lose a pencil in myself.
I’ve been real careful with the diary since I lost the pencil and I’ve been setting it on the Food Box but I just can’t find the will to write most days. It’s been three weeks, and I’ve just been having awful dreams. Last night, I had the worst dream ever.
I think maybe that means that I’m finally pulling out of my depression. I sure hope so, anyway. Somehow feeling low down in paradise is worse than feeling low down someplace that’s already low down. I guess it makes sense that the higher you have to fall the harder you’ll hit. Except now I think maybe I’m bouncing back up again.
I finally saw the cats! Except they weren’t cats, of course. That’s part of the reason I feel so good. They’ve got me feeling all tingly inside!
But that’s me getting ahead of myself again.
I had a scary dream last night, like I said, real bad. Real real bad. I haven’t remembered any of my bad dreams till this one. It made me feel better to remember, somehow. Less alone. Odd that a bad dream would make me feel better. Strange that it would feel like it was keeping me company. Maybe bad dreams are like those nutrients where a whole bunch of it is poison but a little bit of it is good for you?
Anyhow, I had a dream I was as big as a mountain. I was so big I was an island, floating in the middle of the dang ocean. You couldn’t see my arms or legs because they’d been buried underneath my rolls, and I was so big parts of me were resting on the ocean floor. Seaweed and a bunch of other ocean things had grown all over the bottom of me like a little hula skirt. My face was drowning in my neck fat, but my face was right there at the summit screaming for help.
Except I couldn’t scream too much because I was choking, like I said.
I could feel Quester scrambling up my body. His tiny fingers digging into my rolls, his knees digging into me so he could make his way up. When I did scream, I kept screaming for him, but the louder I screamed the faster my fat would come flopping down over my face trying to suffocate me. I screamed anyway, though, as much as I could, till my whole body was purple as grape soda.
There was a storm suddenly and I was tossed about. I broke a reef and washed ashore on an island. It was a terrible place! All full of scorpions and spiders and they tried to scramble up over me! I rolled around, trying to knock them off. I knew that the way I was moving around would make climbing dangerous for Quester but no matter how hard I tried to stay still, I couldn’t. I just kept flapping all over the place, breaking everything. I was trapped inside my own body.
Even though climbing was very hard, I could always feel Quester clinging to me. Bless that man, even in my dreams he never gave up on me. Quester had to climb for years, eating all the scorpions and spiders that crawled on me, all the while fighting tooth and nail to stay on me when I kept trying to slip away.
By the time he made it to the top, he was hardly nothing more than a skeleton.
“Becca?” Quester called, when he reached the top.
He saw my face, then he kissed me.
Oh God did that feel good! The way he kissed me like that! Like being kissed by Prince Valiant. I cried, but I tried to stop because I knew if I cried too much it would fill up the the valley of fat around me and I’d drown.
“Becca are you alive in there?” he whispered.
He was so weak, the poor thing. I could almost see his skull through his skin he was so thin. I nodded to let him know I was still kicking even though he couldn’t see my legs, but I’d become so big I couldn’t speak at all now, except maybe for one word and then I’d die.
“Becca, is this what you want? He told me I couldn’t see you again if I agreed to his bargain…. but someone helped me to sneak a look at you and I… I just have to make sure. Are you happy? Is this what you really want? Do you feel good? Am I doing right by you?”
He kissed my lips this time and when he did I felt a little bit of me, like an iceberg made of fat, fall off into the ocean. One of my legs come free and started squiggling around like a little tail! God it felt so good! I dreamed a weird dream inside the dream, of what it was like to be a little girl and dance through the fields and tease tease aunt Peggy’s cows.
“You say the word, Becca, and I’ll just let go and die like I was supposed to. I’ll free you from this place. You can’t keep on like you have been with the eating,” I could tell it hurt him to say the words, “but you can move on and go make a new life, without me holding you back. I love you that much. I love you enough that it’s okay for you to hate me for a bit. I think maybe I didn’t know that till now, but I do.”
Lightning struck and the Little Gentleman was there suddenly, but he was angry and all different somehow. His feet hurt me, stamping like hooves. His eyes glowed pale yellow like a jack-o-lantern and when he spoke it came out as a growl.
“Was it the tranny or that old darkie who brought you here?”
I think it’s okay for me to write that, on account of it is what someone else said in a dream. Anyway, that’s what he said. The Little Gentleman came up besides Quester and grabbed hold of his shoulder. Quester moaned so bad then, and it was so pathetic and I knew he was hurting so bad that I started to cry harder.
“Do you think you can break our deal? Break my name? Did the tranny or the old darkie tell you that you could escape so easily? We’re past the point where you can just say the words. You’ve got to really feel it. You have to want it, deep down.”
Quester looked at me so big and so sad and so pitiful.
“There’s a meal you haven’t tasted yet, Rebecca. The best of all possible foods. Heavenly food. Tell me now, in this place where there can be no lies. Do you want to be alone? Do you want to have to struggle to lose all that weight you’ve put on? Do you want to be set free to make your own way? Would you take back pain, struggle, and failure? Or would you rather taste the ultimate dish?”
When I spoke, my whole body rumbled like a volcano.
Then I woke up and the Little Gentleman was there. God it was so good to see his face! His skin pale as whipped cream. His eyes like little dark chocolate dots. He was petting my stomach so tenderly and lovingly that my tears of joy turned into tears of relief.
“Did you have a bad dream, Becca? I’m here, now. Your worries are mine to carry. I came because I worried the Food Box had become boring. There’s only so much the imagination can conceive after all. So, I thought I’d let you try another dish.”
I must have written this a hundred times by now in this stupid diary, but I really was crying so hard I could barely even talk. I feel like that’s all I do. Cry so hard I can barely talk.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
The Little Gentleman brought up a bag that was by his side, and at first I thought it was a bag full of cats. It sounded just like the cats in the walls, at least. A sort of weird mewling sound, but it was different when it was closer. Before I could ask any questions, the Little Gentleman started to climb me. It hurt more than it had in the dream, and the feet still felt sharp as knives, but it wasn’t long before the Little Gentleman was sitting on my shoulder.
“I let them scamper around here for a bit, after I plucked their feathers for your bed. The feathers go bad if they’re too far away, you see. You probably heard them. There’s a full thirteen of them here, and I promise they’re delicious. They’re not as big as they once were, I’m afraid. They shrunk when I took their wings. But I promise that they’re the best thing you’ve ever tasted. Like nothing else! Even the Food Box couldn’t produce these!”
I was real curious then, eager for anything other than something that might make me think of my nightmare.
“What are they?” I asked.
The Little Gentleman smiled and pulled a little man all covered in blood out of his bag, no more than ten inches tall.
“Angels,” he said.
I didn’t realize it until it was up close, but the little guy was singing! The Little Gentleman held the angel upside down by his feet right in front of my nose. All that scratching just sounded like scratching because they were too far away and too small. Why were they trying to climb the walls? I wondered why they hadn’t come out and said hello to me. If they were there the whole time and they really were angels, why didn’t they come out and say hello? Didn’t they know I was lonely? Isn’t that what angels are supposed to do?
That made me real mad. Real real mad.
I snapped my head back and the Little Gentleman threw it in my mouth like I was a dang trained seal.
It sung the whole time I ate it, even for a while after it was in my stomach. It tasted like music.
So, really, I am feeling lots better.
Well, today, I finally got big enough that I touched the walls. I’ve had to set the Food Box on top of myself, right in front of my mouth. It’s easier that way since I eat pretty much all the time now, like breathing. I’ve got real good at it and my jaw doesn’t get tired or nothing. I’ve felt a lot better since eating those little angels, although I sure do wish I had more. I should have thought to ask the Little Gentleman but he was gone again by the time I woke up. They were tasty but they sure did make me sleepy. I ate all of them in about five minutes, silly me.
Nothing the Food Box makes come close to those little guys! When I close my eyes to think of them, all I get is a pan of lasagna. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. But it ain’t no angel.
Imagine that feeling you’ve only had once or twice in your whole life, where everything was good and the world was perfect and everything almost sort of sang. That time and that feeling where nothing could be better and it was like you were full of light. That’s what angels taste like. Better maybe.
Now, I thought I’d feel guilty, but I knew they couldn’t really be angels. They were too little! I think they’re probably just some kind of sea animal or something that looks like little men. Still, I hope the Little Gentleman catches some more and brings them back to me. I know I said it before but he was right, the Food Box can’t even come close to how good those little guys tasted! It makes me blush to say it, but I’d murder God and burn down heaven to eat more of those guys!
I figured I didn’t even need this diary anymore but it happened to get washed back up to me today by my wiggling around so I thought I’d write a little update for completeness sake.
Like I said, I finally got big enough that I hit the walls today. Nowhere for me to grow but up! Straight to heaven! And when I get there I’m going to eat another angel! I can feel myself starting to lift off the ground a little tiny bit but I’m not uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, the Food Box never fed me anything that hurt me but nothing feels as good as eating those angels felt and I’ve felt so good since then I can hardly stand it.
And the movies! The movies lately are literally out of this world!
All the movies you could ever want! Movies that won’t be made for a hundred years! A thousand years! Movies I’ve already seen but with different actors! And, I’ll say it! You won’t believe what I’m going to say next, but I’m going to and I’m not even going to blush! Who is going to judge me down here? There are dirty movies, too! Dirty movies with all the celebrities I like and all the boys I liked in high school! And they do all sorts of bad things! They do all the bad things to someone who looks just like me! Wicked naughty things and it feels so good!
It all feels so good and I want all of it that I could ever have forever!
And that’s all I’ve got to write for a long while!
Man, it’s a real gas reading through these old entries! I’ve never been much of a reader but the diary got washed up in front of me again today and I figured, what the heck?!? I can’t believe how far I’ve come since then. I hardly even recognize that person I used to be! Did I really ever blush that much? Man oh man did I have a lot of guilt back then too! I’m as free as a bird now!
You know what? Quester never ever gave me a life near as good as what the Little Gentleman has given me. Not even close. All I had with him was the promise of an eventual stroke or a heart attack and a weekly bucket of chicken and a whole mess of obligations and him second guessing the way he was treating me. But what have I got here? I’ve got all the food I could ever want! I’ve got that tv and it keeps going up as I go up and it keeps staying at just the right height for me to see EVERYTHING! That bed underneath me keeps me feeling clean, even though it’s gotta be so tiny right now and I can hardly feel it.
I’ve filled this place halfway up! And I’m getting close to the top! And when I do, I’ll bust out and then I’ll cover the whole dang world!
Oh, I had a dream last night. And no, it wasn’t a nightmare!!! I dreamed I was a mountain again and that Quester had climbed back on top of me, and this time he was even more of a skeleton than before. The Little Gentleman was there too, but he just stayed off in the background, smiling his cute little smile.
“Did you really eat angels, baby?” Quester asked, and his voice was all weak and pathetic when he said it. Like when he complained about money and buying me food and couldn’t find the courage to say no.
“Sure did, and they were tasty too!” I yelled back.
I was an even bigger island than before, and this time I could talk. Boy could I talk! Loud and proud like I’d wanted to be all my life! Like I’d been in the hospital. It made Quester cry to hear it and it didn’t bother me in the dream and it still doesn’t!!!
“I don’t think this is right, baby. I don’t think it’s right that I sold my soul to bring you to this place. I don’t think it’s right that you’ve eaten angels. I think we messed up real bad, hon. I think we messed up real, real bad.”
I smiled a teeny tiny smile, and I said our dirty bedroom words.
“Bet you’d still like it if I ate your cock!” I demurred.
That gave him pause. He didn’t say anything for a bit, like he never said things when he was hungry for me. Then, still quiet, he came up over my face, crawled down into the valley around my mouth and pulled his pants down.
“I guess even the dead have to have some pleasure,” he said.
I sucked it for a while and when I heard him moan, that’s what I started to chew.
Being honest, I always thought about it. What it would be like to eat Quester. For all my reservations about everything, I was never a run of the mill kind of gal. Not in my own mind at least.
Quester didn’t move, didn’t do anything but sort of choke as my fat fell in on him and forced him down into my mouth until only his head was poking up from my lips.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I never hurt you. I didn’t know that hurting someone was good sometimes.”
Those were the last nonsense words he said, and then my jaw popped down like an anaconda and I swallowed him whole.
Tasted like a dusty pig, can you believe that?
Like a pork chop you’d tossed around in an attic.
Anyway, fuck this diary. And you know what? Fuck you too!!!
Face smooshed against top of silo now. Diary and pencil trapped by hand. Can’t stop eating. LG brought more angels. All I can eat!!!
SHAWNEE COUNTY, Kansas (AP) – Emergency workers have been dispatched to the scene of an apparent septic reservoir explosion this morning, in what appears to be a first of its kind incident. While state engineers have so far been at a loss to explain the cause of the apparent explosion, no one can deny the palpable mess. The debris field stretches from Auburn to Wakarusa to Pauline and has made a two mile stretch of I-335 completely impassable.
Engineers gauge the mass of the ejected waste to be on the order of 200 tons, though all known septic pools have been accounted for and found to be intact and there has been no reported pressure or water loss anywhere in the county. The waste represents the annual output of well over a thousand adults. Early commuters reported thinking that they were caught in the middle of some kind of mudslide, with a former resident of the Pacific Northwest likening the smell to a dynamited whale.
When reached for comment by e-mail, a representative of the sanitation department responded with the following:
“We’re simply at a loss to account for this. All we can say with certainty is that whatever it was that exploded is nowhere now in use, or documented anywhere in the available blueprints of the septic system. Nearest we can guess, is that the explosion might have been caused by animals using an old missile silo as a -pardon the pun- dumping ground. We have found a large mass of feathers in some of the waste, so the theory holds some weight. If the area ever became sealed off, the natural gases emitted by the waste might have resulted in pressures high enough to cause this explosion, though it’s still hard to see how. Pressures like this aren’t generally caused by natural phenomena.”
Emergency workers are asking that residents please not leave their homes or travel with small children or adults with compromised immune systems. The situation is literally toxic and exposure without approved safety apparel is cautioned against in the strongest possible terms. Authorities are also asking residents to please report any unusual sightings or symptoms such as hallucinations. Several residents have reported hearing angels and have been taken into the hospital for observation. There are serious concerns about infection so please don’t hesitate to report.