What are the psychological ramifications of being transformed into a piece of dinnerware at a young age? What impact does that have on the formation of your fundamental drives and values? Furthermore, after adapting to such a life, what about the shock of being transformed back into a human being? Does this create a subconscious influence on your later natural sexual development? Will such a person, as an adult, take sexual gratification in laying down on a bed and having their romantic partner drink tea from out of their mouths?

These are a few questions I’ve had about Chip from “Beauty and the Beast” and I share them with you for your own personal enjoyment.

Other questions I ask myself, include:

Does he like to put on a rope harness with a loop on the back and hang from a hook on his closet ceiling to fall asleep at night? Does he ingest liquids almost hotter than anyone can stand and with tears in his eyes deny that it hurts him at all? Is he more attracted to plump women who stand still in the “teapot” position? Will he eat bland food or drink over-strong food then later swallow cream, sugar and other such food enhancers and then behave as if this fixed the taste of the foodstuffs he already consumed? Does the closet where he sleeps look like a giant cupboard? Will he announce “I never sleep alone” and then fill this closet with dishes and various pieces of cutlery?


Charlotte’s Web is one of my all-time favorite stories, because it teaches children to be courageous, tricksome, and to accept that though death will come that it must be fought. It’s a story of friendship, teamwork and raw-bleeding humanity in an age where everything we see or hear is in some way a performance.

I like Black Mirror because it shows us in every episode that true horror does not lay in the dark, shadow or the black. True horror lives in the gray. In the surrender of not living life, or meeting terror not with courage or even honest cowardice but with a tight-shut-eyed refusal to acknowledge you’re supposed to do anything.

Then I thought: “What if the first episode of Black Mirror is a sequel to Charlotte’s Web?”

I don’t know why I am the way I am, other than maybe too much country music, but at times like these I’m very sorry about it. At least I didn’t start crying like I did that one time my imaginary sloth killed itself.


Some news on the Pancake Family, which seems to probably be the most viral story I’ve written in the era since I put my mind -mostly- back together. Every time I think it’s been flattened for good, the Pancake Family puts its collective thumb back in its collective mouth, blows, and re-inflates. The original audio adaptation from the good people at “the Nosleep Podcast” is now available for free. Click here to hear one man heroically retch many times, like a true gold medal champion of Pretending to Throw Up Olympics.

I would still recommend buying the season pass so you too can support people who support writers, and by the transitive property, support writers yourself.

This just may be the piece of internet culture I make that endures beyond me. Although, I’ve noticed Giant Sentient Human Penises around the corners, and I’m claiming ownership of that shit right now. On the old blog, I made those things bigger than they ever were since that one weird historical period in Singapore and old stories about Priapus.

I should get a name tag that says “Pancake Family Guy.”


Are you a new person? Then oh boy, this place is for you! And by place I mean this paragraph I put at the end of this blog instead of the top because I hate and fear nothing more than success.


So you googled “the Pancake Family” and found a website with a bunch of emo pictures of a guy who looks kind of like Shrek and at first you thought “… okay, well, maybe there’s more horror stuff on here?” But then it was like when you close your eyes and thought you were going to drink orange juice but instead of orange juice it ended up being milk and your expectations caused your mind do what it normally does when people do LSD. You probably just spit it out everywhere and said “WTF is this libertarian space cowboy Elon Musk fanfiction doing here?!?! Or this… well, I guess the Fantasy stuff is kind of scary and okay.”

I get bored, okay? And I’m a little bit nuts and my mind is going everywhere all the time.

The horror stuff is all going to be collected into an Anthology entitled “The Family of Fang and Claw.” I’m working on it and there will be more free horror stuff as it nears completion, which it is very, very close to. Unless I lose will and decide I hate it again.

So, I love you all. Thanks for reading. If you have ANY questions, please leave a comment.

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